Depression

[Lost in this world]

I have been deployed two times to Iraq. The first time I don't think was bad as the second. During the first deployment from April 2003 to June 2004. I only witnessed attcks of IED's, mortars and rockets. I had only witnessed one attack that injured two of my troops. Since then I still have daydreams and sometimes dream about this attack.
During the second deployment I find to be the worst. It was from Aug 2006 to Sept 2007. After only being there for 4 months I had my driver begging me to go in the lead vehicle. At this time I was reluctant on letting him do so. When Im had finally let him move from my vehicle to the lead vehicle the worst thing to me ever happened. His vehicle was hit with an IED. At this time he was flown to the nearest camp with a treatment facility were he had stayed for a week and was flown to Germany and then back home. Even though he made it out alive I still blame myself for what happened. I know it is part of war but he was like a son to me. He was only and just turned 21. I felt from that day forward useless.
After returning to the States in Sept it has been hard for me to sleep. I have had trouble dealing with my daughter who is now 8. I love my children and it is killing me to not be able to care for them like I did before. I am always feeling tired and weak. Not wanting to do anything. I am currently in a relationship with a woman that I truly love and on the verge of losing her due to outbreaks of rage, getting angered easily at nothing.
I know that I need help but not strong enough myself to seek it until yesterday when I trheatend to kill myself. This was the first time I had ever thought about killing myself and when I did it took her calling the sherriff's department for me to actually find somewhere to go and get help. I have an appointment today. I really hope it helps. When I was going to the V.A. I felt as if they didn't care or understand because they only have an allotted time with each person. Then they onle prescribed me medication which didn't help.
The reason I joined this forum is because I know there are others out there like me and other than the psychotherapist I need someone or others to talk to.
Thank you toeveryone who reads this. It is not easy for me to talk about things that are wrong with me. Hopefully this will make it easier.

[Lindis]

Dear Lost in World

I can only imagine what it must be like to go into war. No, as a matter of fact, I don't think I can. However, I can understand that it must have been very surreal for you to be in that awful environment, and then come back to the U.S, supposed to live a normal life again.
I have often wondered what it must feel like to travel to space, walk on the moon, see earth from all the way up there. I have imagined that it must change the way you look at life; to experience something that big. Maybe it's a bit like dying and coming back to life again. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to get at; I think that it's probably like that for you. You have seen something that most people don't, and you've experienced situations that most only see in the movie theater.
I know you were under a lot of pressure, and that it's probably hard to let go of certain emotions, but it's the rest of your life that matters now, and that must be the most important thing for you.
Don't know how you've been getting on since you posted your message last year, would like to hear about it though.

Sometimes it helps to be in touch with people that have the same experiences as oneself, but don't shut your loved ones out of your emotional life!

Lindis

[Arthuur]

Hi,
Don't tensioned too much, Keep mind to be calm.

[woodviolet]

If you want to be liberated from your present struggles, I urge you to avail yourself of EVERY opportunity you can, and even find more. Being human is complicated, and while to be human may imply imperfection, trauma injuries affect many parts of who we are. While a natural part of depression is an inability to get up and do the exact things we want to do, it is important to seek and accept help and support for the process. For instance, an injured person may need the skills and support of a surgeon, nurses, hospital, medication, physical therapy, and occupational therapy to name a few. Likewise, you need to attack this problem on several fronts:
Have a friend or family member be your confidant and support person for this process. Be accountable to them. Let them help you keep your appointments etc.
Make a list of potential resources: group counseling, support groups, spiritual healing and support from your church or one in your area, post traumatic stress support groups...
If you are self medicating with drugs/alcohol get into a 12 step program &/or rehab. Don't let any addiction sabotage your healing process. This is a really common problem for people suffering with "survivor syndrome" . The sense of guilt and false shame can be a huge burden. But allowing addiction to rule, railroads you by distracting you from your CORE issues. And it will
wreck relationships. Rage can become addictive.
On-line forums and support groups help many people feel less alone and more able to both reach out to others and accept help.
Please note I am not suggesting you try one or two of these. Do it all. You and yours are worth it!
My godson was in the army. Promoted, to Captain he was skilled and disciplined. When he came home on leave he had a bizarre rage that flared when he heard people eating noisily. Sounds
crazy? it was simply a relatively safe place to be furious. In Iraq he was under constant stress and performed well. He did not FEEL that stress because it might have disabled his ability to do his job. His fury over lip-smacking was an outlet for that stress and showed he longed to control something (because how much CAN you control in a war?) But it was disproportionate, misplaced and had to be addressed...My daughter was held at gun point and her life was threatened during a robbery. For the past 3 years she has suffered from chronic bone wearying exhaustion. Blood work gave us neither clues nor answers. During that time she never had nightmares or flashbacks. This summer she saw a movie with some pretty graphic violence and she found herself shaking and crying and terrified in a way she NEVER felt-not even right after the event. She has post traumatic stress disorder...
You are not alone. And you are NOT in charge of everything. Therefore you are also not responsible for everything. You need to enlist the help of others while you get on the road of healing and living graciously. Accept where you are right now. This healing business is a PROCESS. Be patient with yourself. Admit your wrongs, seek and accept healing and forgiveness. Move forward with the wisdom to know how and when to take action...And you will live more richly and help others too.
I wish you well.