Depression

[Guest]

I have been depressed for more than a year now and I haven't gone out of the house for quite a long time. I've been trying to self diagnose and heal myself before I start to face the world again. But nothing has worked so far. Maybe because I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me. I can't go to a psychiatrist. I don't want my parents to know what's going on with me, because I am SURE they wouldn't understand. And I don't want to be a burden to them.
Anyway, I just wanted to list my symptoms and get someone's point of view on what type of disorder I fall under.

*Extreme mood swings. (From empty lonely depression to unexplainable joy and hyperactivity.)
*Difficulty in trusting others.
*Easily gets very very very angry. (ie. "Have you eaten your dinner?" "NO!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I dunno, I just can't control it.)
*Tends to get violent very often.
*Morbid thoughts filling my mind. Always thinks of killing someone.
*Insensitive to other people's feelings most of the time.
*Paranoid
*Often has trouble concentrating.
*Can't sleep well.
*Stopped goin to school. (Hates people, have become anti-social.)
*Constant temper tantrums and brooding.
*Thinks highly of oneself. Thinks that one's thinking is higher than most people. (But only few would agree, since most of them is just too dumb to get my point which is pissing me off even more.)
*Often has the urge to manipulate others. (It boosts my self confidence when being able to manipulate others, makes me think that my brain is stronger...something like that.)
*Very critical and too unforgiving of other people's faults and weaknesses. (Likes pointing out other people's mistake and laughing at it, although I am aware that I make that same mistake as well, I just don't let them know about it.)
*Afraid of criticism. Does everything to make one's self's image look good.
*Afraid to be alone, but isolationg one's self from the world.
*Likes analyzing everyone and everything.
*Brain is tired of thinking too much.
*Hurts people all the time unintentionally.
*Feelings for other people change all the time. Always unsure of everything.
*Always confused on what to do.
*Constantly worried about the future. (I think about stuff like, what if my Dad died, and then cry my eyes out afterwards.)
*Hates almost everything and everyone. (The people around me are the ones causing my depression Parents causes stress. No one understands me.)
*Often thinks about comitting suicide, but doesn't have the guts to do it because of the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
*Does bad things just for the fun of it. Doesn't care or even think about the outcome.
*Being a hypocrite all the time.
*Often feels very weak.
**Weird times happen when I feel like I'm suddenly warped in this zone where I'm the only person left in the world, and no one could help me. I feel really down and hopeless 'cause I feel like I'll never be happy again. The world seems so dark and so against me.
*I don't know what I feel anymore! I'm confused! It's like half of my brain is going to a different direction than the other. But I am totally aware on what's going on with me, I just can't stop it. It's just out of my control. :(

So what label do I fall under? Is it possible that have multiple overlapping disorders? A little help will be so much appreciated..
Thanks.

[frozenlady]

About 15 years ago, the symptoms you are describing to me were just what I've been doing through for many years. I have been on medications during this time and have been in remission, except for the first 18 months when I was diagnoised with bipolar 2 and acute stress disorder. My family didn't understand what I had and were uneducated in these matters, but they came through for me. Fear and isolation is what keeps a person from getting the help they need. Part of the problem with have a chemical imbalance is that you want to isolate yourself and you feel no one will care. Be smart and wise, and get the help you need. Don't be afraid of what your family will say, do what is best for your well-being. Depressive is a progressive disease and only gets worse without treatment. It's just like any other ailment like heart disease or diabetes, or getting bronchitis, so don't be one of those ignorant and superstitious people that lived during the medeval times thinking that depression was caused by sins or the devil. Get the help you need like I did. I never regret having done so.