Depression

[Silent Skies]

Hello, I'm not sure what's going on. I am 15, almost 16 years old. All of this started when I was 14. I'm sorry it's so long, I'm just so confused and want some insight, please!!!

At the start of 9th grade I had this huge fear of going to school. My family moved, and I started at a new SMALL highschool. It was fine, for awhile. When stressed, I would cut myself. I did a wonderful job of hiding it for a while, but my Mom found out a couple months later. She let it slide, and told me to stop. I couldn't. Every time I had a bad day, or my hair woudn't fall right, I'd look to a razorblade. It got worse and worse, deeper and deeper. I soon got stitches, and I was sent to a behavioral center for teens where I was held for 72 hours. It was horrible. When I got home, a boy I knew welcomed me. I felt like I could trust him so much, he was a great friend. People at school asked where I was, It was so stressful, and suddenly the guy I knew wanted to have sex. I wasn't ready, but everything was so blurry, I just said yes. This careless sex went on for a few months, sometimes protected, sometimes unprotected. After awhile I started feeling worthless, and like I was a stupid, used, bottom feeder. I wouldn't leave the house, I wouldn't talk to friends, I wouldn't even brush my hair, and shower most days. My family moved once again, and now I'm still relatively afraid of leaving the house. I don't care about my looks anymore, and I'm not in school. I'm going to homeschool soon. I wish I could get these feelings away, and love myself again. I want to feel the sun on my face, but I'm so miserable with life. I really don't know what's wrong with me, and I can't tell this to a doctor. What is there to do? I want to live, I feel dead. Most days I even consider suicide, but then I see my Mom and Dad, and realize that I am their only child, and it would hurt them. I need to get out of this rut! what is wrong with me!!?

[aubergine]

Why can't you tell a doctor? I know it's hard, but it will help. Can you tell your parents? Do they know? Do you have a good relationship with them?